The Opossum-Palooza

It's okay. We don't know what the name means either.


Tom Cruise: Offensive Coordinator

When the announcement was made that Tom Cruise would be joining into a business partnership with Redskins owner Dan Snyder, a great cry went up throughout the land. Finding a Redskins fan who wanted to be associated with Tom Cruise's special brand of crazy was like trying to find someone who had gone to see Cruise's last movie. This was mostly due to Cruise's association with the Church of Scientology and his controversial views on psychiatry, but few fans thought it would have any affect on the actual on-field performance of the football team.

It is a little known fact, however, that in addition to their non-sensical views on psychiatry, Scientologists also have some absurd beliefs when it comes to the forward pass in football. More specifically, Scientologists do not believe in throwing the football more than eight yeards down the field at any given time. Also, according to Scientology, no football should ever be thrown except on third down.

While this strategy is seemingly, in the words of Tom Jackson, "retarded", the Scientologists are actually one step ahead of teams like the Cowboys. Apparently, long pass completions result in extraordinarily high levels of Thetans in the arms and hands, resulting in a high number of dropped balls (and broken fingers). If Scientologists are correct, by Week 15, Redskins recievers will be laughing all the way to the endzone.

When asked about his inexplicably conservative play calling during the game against Dallas, Redskins' assistant head coach (offense) Al Saunders replied "You don't know the history of passing. I do." When pressed further by NBC sideline reporter Andrea Kremer, he replied "You're glib, Andrea. You're just... you're glib."

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